Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fine Line

My sister went to a wedding this weekend. I looove weddings.. love 'em. Not the ceremony part (BOR -- ING!) but the party part! Nothing is more fun than getting dressed up and going to eat appetizers all night, drink beer and dance.

Before I go to a wedding.. I do have to prep. There is a FINE LINE I must traverse.. like a tight rope ...while I am at a wedding. Let me start by saying that I am a self conscious dancer. Shocking.. I know. Someone that is as loud, obnoxious, attention grabbing as myself hates the attention that I so obviously crave. HOWEVER... I love to dance. It's a dilemma alright. (Last night I downloaded some new music and went on a walk. I walked for 30 minutes but was gone for 45.. I spent 15 minutes in my mud room dancing like a maniac.)

Yah baby - I got moves alright. Moves that will end me up on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Back to the wedding.. when I go to a wedding, I need to have JUST enough to drink so that I can dance BUT not so much that I'm the talk of the wedding/family/town for years to come. There is no science to achieving this goal.. and truth be told.. I haven't yet. The wedding invitations, while so plentiful years ago, have come to a screeching halt. Ohh, I've got friends getting married, but word has gotten out. No one wants some fat girl on the dance floor (with the crowd cheering "Go White Girl, Go White Girl" )trying to clog like she was trying out for Hee-Haw.

So - the wedding season is winding down but here are some "don'ts" for you to learn from.. take my tails of humiliation.. let it be a reminder to you. If I can help just ONE person from being a jack ass, my job will have been successful.

1. Never take a person with the nick name "Meat Sauce" to a wedding with relatively new co-workers.
2. If you have a date being an idiot (such as meat sauce) feel free to leave him immediately. Do not, REPEAT, do not think he just needs some water or coffee.
3. Do not try to console the bride with the words "don't worry, this won't happen at your next wedding" when your idiot date crashes into the bride and grooms table.
4. Do not give the bride's little brother wine coolers (thinking that no one could possibly get drunk on wine coolers) just so he'll quit asking you to dance. Realize that the 15 year old boy was probably a much better choice than the lame-o you brought as your date.
5. Don't brag that you can do "the worm" .. especially if you are one of the bridesmaids.
6. Don't pack a cooler in the trunk of your car because you are worried the reception will run out of booze. That doesn't happen at receptions.. and then don't invite everyone back to your car for a party when the bride leaves. (and don't' hang out with people that will actually show up)
7. When your (male) date tells your (male) co worker that he has a pretty mouth - leave immediately. (Also important that your male co worker tells you what happened RIGHT AWAY as opposed to waiting until MONDAY! Also, don't cry. Note that the crying wasn't because your date was hitting on a guy, but that uhh helloo, you looked sooo much better than the co worker. What the hell?)
8. Don't try to prove that someone is wearing a toupee by trying to dance it off of him.
9. Don't, don't, don't request Freebird and don't wear you dates tie as a head band to push back your hair cause you are dancing so hard.
10. Don't invite me to your wedding.

2 comments:

I'm Just Another Fat Girl said...

Mar! you'll be first on my guest list! Count on it!

-jafg

Michele said...

Um I would totally invite you. :)